From the author:In this work I share the reflections concerning therapy of the clients who got an incestuous trauma in the childhood. Article is addressed to the beginning psychotherapists and also the practicing colleagues who face this subject in the
I write about an incest as about seksualizirovanny violence, about a ritual of control and submission. The incest is an abuse in a relationship with those someone we depend, but not in a blood relationship, and in this sense it is a type of sophisticated violence and a styazaniye of children. Ursula Virtts <
When I for the first time heard from one of the clients a story about violence over her at 7-year age, I was shocked, lost, endured almost intolerable mix of horror, pain, disgust and rage. By that moment I was already quite experienced and steady therapist, but still I remember feeling of helplessness, despair and the only thought in the head:How can I help you? How did you in general survive? Similar experiences arise when you hear about terrorist attacks when you understand that somewhere absolutely nearby there is something terrifying, deprived of any sense, and you can't correct anything, and there is a wish to forget about it rather.
Probably, therefore still there is a myth, that the incest is an unusual occurrence. It is not rare, just about it are silent, it is a shame to speak about it – even in individual therapy and therapeutic groups. Happens that is told, even shout, but it is more often happens desperate (or scandalous) the act of exhibitionism, when there is no an opportunity validly to endure something, and there is a high probability of a retravmatization. I am not afraid to tell the flashmob which passed recently in social networks very brightly showed as far as a hot topic of sexual violence as it is important not to be silent about it, and at the same time – it is how delicately necessary to handle it.
Toxic shame, disgust for itself, deep feeling of by the derelict – here what for years prevents the victims of an incest to speak. And the psychologist's task – to create for the client such situation in which he will be able to risk to trust and to begin to endure all that pain which he in himself carries.
The specifics of work with a trauma of an incest consist not so much in features of clients and their ways to build up a relationship (in fact, it is work with a trauma) how many in a possibility of the therapist to be present at contact. I as the supervisor, often observe strong reactions of therapists:they are shocked up to loss of sensitivity, frightened and lost. Sometimes the therapist, suspecting an incest trauma at the client, consciously or unconsciously ottormazhivat emergence of this subject, often it is extremely not free, etc. I hope, some of my experience will help someone from colleagues not to be afraid and not just to survive near the client, and to retain interest, passion and even to derive pleasure from work, it is kind of strange sounded.
The first and most widespread definition of an incest – incest. But I as psychotherapist am not interested in legal and biological aspects of a problem. If in any culture or separate family adult blood relatives enter intimate relationship and to them it is good, then not my business – to estimate their choice. I consider an incest within sexual violence over
As a rule, it is carried out in family, but the tyrant maybe someone from an environment on someone the child anyway depends to someone trusts. It can appear the doctor, the trainer, the teacher, the neighbor, the friend of the family, the uncle or the stepfather. When determining a trauma of an incest not the fact of consanguinity, but asymmetry of a relationship in which the adult exercises the power over the child for satisfaction of sexual needs is important for us. The incest concerning the child is always use and violence, and it injures.
Violence can be committed without direct threat, without physical abuse, under the guise of a game or a confidential conversation. The child (it happens to teenagers) can behave soblaznyayushche and even to derive pleasure. But it is important to remember that responsibility always lies on the adult, and any actions connected with intention sexually to stimulate the child or to use him for own excitement and satisfaction, are violence!
To an incest not only sexual intercourse and touches belongs to intimate zones:it can be sexually painted touches to other parts of a body, a joint dream with adult children, demonstration to children of sexual intercourse, genitals, peeping for the
The incest can be and psychological:emotional pressure, control with sexual implication, a talk with the child on sexual subjects. There can be a symbolical incest when there are no sexual actions, but the child plays a role of the wife or husband at the parent. At the same time mother or the father devote the child in deeply personal and even intimate problems, share with him information which the child owing to age can't and shouldn't hear and understand.
This article, is generally devoted to work with the victims of an incest of the 1st order, i.e. those someone were exposed to obvious sexual
The incest is tabooed and is condemned in society. In Latin the word incest means dirty, vicious. The tyrant puts a lot of effort to hide the events. The child can directly be threatened with punishment, can offer to make in playful way it our secret. The victim can accuse and shame in what she provoked or even itself I wanted, can do responsible for family integrity or health and wellbeing of the second parent. If mother learns, she won't worry, will leave us, the father will be put in prison, etc.
There are cases when the second parent knows about the events, but also convinces the child not to take out it out of family limits. The child victim becomes the hostage of shame of family and the carrier of a terrible secret. He can't tell, complain, ask to anybody about the help because the ban is imposed on disclosure of a family secret, but he also is afraid to tell. The child can be afraid that he won't be believed, will accuse, it can be a shame to him that it happened to him. Even small children usually feel that they with them do something forbidden, shameful, wrong, but they can't separate psychologically themselves from the
Actually, this obligation to be silent about violence also causes the strongest travmatization. Yes, the incest is a gross violation of borders, it is operation and humiliation, it is a nightmare which is endured by the victim often for many years, but impossibility about it to tell, receive a consolation and protection, aggravate a
Still the distinctive feature of an intsestny trauma – violence carries out the one to someone the child trusts someone he loves by definition someone has to care and protect. It not just treachery:the parent kind of becomes the sexual partner. The confusion of roles leaves a characteristic mark on the identity of the victim and its ways to build the
I can't consider an incest as a single trauma. It is, in my opinion, a family symptom. Possibly, the system in which there is an incest all is dysfunctional. It doesn't mean at all that intsestny families have to be poor, antisocial, consist of psychopaths, addicts ит. It is one of myths about a
I have not enough cases for a big research, but there is enough to assume a multiple trauma at the victims of an incest. They are usually injured many times, and to the incest, and in time, and later. In the course of therapy becomes clear that the child in such family was a general container for dumping of various quashed feelings:rage, sexual excitement, shame, fault, disgust. Also almost at all victims of an incest I observe an early trauma of
Mothers of children – the victims of an incest are conditionally divided into two groups. The first – passive aggressive, sozavisimy, psychologically unripe women who aren't able to support emotionally the baby, without saying about protecting the grown-up child from the tyrant. Such mothers very much are early adopted or psychologically marry in relation to own children that in itself appears a kind of a psychological incest. The second – imperious, emotionally cold, controlling, functional, it is frequent (but not always) cruel mothers. Such mothers can be absorbing and incestuous and also indifferent, sometimes cynical witnesses of violence in family. It is no wonder that children tell nothing to them:safety and trust are broken.
Many times it is less women who are carrying out direct sexual actions concerning children, than men. Social researches say that about 90% of percent of the criminals who committed sexual violence over children – men. In my practice approximately 4 women were the share of 20 cases, from them only two made direct actions of sexual
What experience is got by children as a result of an incest? And what consequences are shown at them already at adult age?
Long violence forms psychology of the victim. Rebenokpoluchayet experience of helplessness, learns to suffer, suppress fear, pain, disgust, anger. Already at adult age such people often are victims of violence, both sexual, and psychological.
Functional address. The child is used, ignoring his feelings and desires. Growing, the victim of an incest seeks to be intimate necessary, to sacrifice the interests for the sake of another, at any cost to conform to requirements of others for the sake of good attitude to itself. They have a fear that if they stop being convenient and necessary, they will be left forever. And, certainly, they concern themselves too functionally and is even ruthless.
3. Gross violation of borders, often lack of any borders. It is unclear, where I where Another – my body doesn't belong to me, my thoughts, feelings, desires aren't important. What earlier on age sexual violence, especially serious an okazyvayutsyaposledstviye for the personality begins. The heaviest are chemical dependences, suicide behavior, boundary frustration, mental violations, phobias, depressions, masochistic trends. All clients who endured an incest in the childhood form dependent or counterdependent
Life in a lie and shame. Not only the victim hides from all the shame – everyone in incestuous family about something is silent, everyone builds a lot of psychological protection not to feel shame. It is that case when in an office at first the toxic shame creeps, and the client comes then. The victims of an incest all life feel not such as everything, defective, disgusting, and put a lot of effort that to hide it from people around <.br/>
Most of the victims nasiliyachuvstvut themselves guilty how handled them. But the victims of an incest can also feel guilty and before the second parent for treachery., and for the fact that they don't manage to improve a relationship in family, and for the fact that they could derive pleasure during violence, and it is a lot of for what. Toxic fault of clients victims of an incest – one of the most difficult, in my opinion, places in
6. At an incest the child receives the double message:on the one hand, he is devoted in something adult, trust something serious, and it causes pride. With another – he chronically doesn't cope with responsibility conferred on him, the role can't do to him, and it causes despair and powerlessness. Growing, they and rush about between two poles, falling into grandness, into
7. Confusion of roles in family and problems with identity. In classical option of an incest, the girl tempted with the father very much early wins the competition against mother and takes the place of the wife (mistress), at the same time remaining the child and the daughter. For the father she isn't able to cope with a role of the woman owing to age, and she can't be identified with mother as doesn't trust her – mother herself doesn't cope with a role of mother and wife. These girls, irrespective of age, psychologically remain the unripe, eternally young lolita able to tempt men and to compete with women. At the same time a relationship of proximity neither with those, nor with others are inaccessible to them.
Incest as love substitute. The love and care of the parent is necessary for the child, and he is ready for everything if only her to receive. And often a relationship with the tyrant is the closest. Many victims of an incest, except fear, disgust and shame, feel also affection for the parent, and gratitude that that spent time with them, gave gifts and so forth. Also some children can experience
Substitution results, and all significant relationship seksualizirutsya. Adult clients can seksualizirovat different requirements:in care, attention, recognition, etc. Without realizing the true desires, they can feel excitement and tempt. Also, if to them someone shows attention, sympathy, interest, they perceive it as flirtation and the invitation to sex. It is worth noticing that it is peculiar to not all victims of an incest, but the psychological sheaf love – violence is at all. Some deserve love sex, others – sacrificing themselves in other ways.
Early sexual stimulation and sexual trauma conduct to various narusheniyamv to the sexual sphere and in perception of the body. There is a lot of these violations, the most widespread of them – discontent with the body, up to dysmorphophobia, complexity in integration of emotional love and sexual. Clients often experience difficulties with excitement in close relations where they are really loved, at the same time easily become excited and derive sexual pleasure in accidental communications. Many victims of an incest belong to sex as to something dirty and disgusting, mechanistic, have disgust and fear of a certain type of sex. Most of my clients can't refuse sex to the partner, and during sex can't tell no when actions of the partner bring them discomfort. The vast majority treats the body very functionally – not only in the sexual sphere, but also in all others.
